| How long til we reach the perfect place |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|07:48 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | rants | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I Would Give Everything- Newsboys | ] |
I was reading Amy's blogs, and man...she was right-
"If I have to hear "Happy Holiday's" again, I think I will scream!"
So true...so amazingly true.
A day will come when anyone who says 'Merry Christmas' will be shot the minute the second word comes out of their mouth...and I have to say- I'd almost rather that be the case now. I dislike this world, and grow to dislike it even more as days go by.
I suppose the whole "In this world not of it" is relevant in more ways than one.
Hearing Catherine's story of when she was ringing the Salvation Army bells, and would say "Merry Christmas" and have some guy come up to her and say "you might want to stop saying that..." it's just annoying...
Who would have thought that after you stop thinking about killing yourself every second of the day, you start to long for death in a new way- a very true, pure way.
As Mr. Furler said "I think about death every day...not in a morbid way, but I'm always thinking of Heaven" ...so true...so so true.
The entire song doesn't apply to this instance, and I've used it before- but it's an amazing song. Completely captures moments.
i would give everything
to give nothing more
i would give everything
to give nothing more
walk outside you're standing in the rain
eyes collide we both know i'm to blame
see me cry feel like judas for awhile
absolution i'm feeling so tired
bygones by you took away the blame
this humanity haunts me
everyday i feel ashamed
how long till everything is new
how long till our bodies are renewed
how long till we see you face to face
how long till we reach that perfect place
I have places I'd like to go with this- but I suppose I'm not in the ranting mood... |
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| Avoid a 5-night stand...how helpful lol |
[Dec. 4th, 2005|03:21 pm] |
So Rachel got me obsessed with these stupid quiz things...I'm in the process of doing a few more- but my lunch just got done :p
The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)
Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?
Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.
Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.
You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.
ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth
CONSIDER: The Loverboy
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|12:32 pm] |
It snowed yesterday.
Then it melted.
Then it snowed again.
The end. |
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| All the kids want to rock, but they don't want to sit through another boring chorus |
[Nov. 26th, 2005|03:33 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | family | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HOH- Make A Face... | ] |
Good day today!(what's new?! lol) Benjamin's first birthday party *grins* so of course that was fun because they rock! So now I shall drive people crazy with pics...but who cares because well...they *are* the cutest kids on the face of the earth! 
 He was so sleepy the entire time. There towards the end- he would start to walk, and then just fall backwards- it was hilarious...but kinda pitiful to watch!
 He had us all fooled into thinking he'd rip the cake apart...haha yeeeaa- totally didn't happen! (the pic got super pixelated...full pic is better)
 They expected him to make a big mess with his cake (he had his own little one) but he wouldn't eat it without a fork and stuff...it was hilarious- we all stood around waiting for him to be the typical 1 year old and tear into it...he's just too sophisticated for that
 That picture just makes me sad...he looks so grown up! He's only 4...I would say he's just mature for his age but haha..yeeeaaa...nah- hyperactivity is cute...in any other kid, it's annoying- but with him, it's cute lol. How unfair is that ?!
 This picture just makes me laugh. He looks like he's doing some drink commercial.
I didn't get many of Nathan today...not sure what was up with that. But all during gifts he was on the other side of the room pretty much, and until the very end, he was pretty quiet, and at the end, I was hoggin Benjin  Gotta take advantage of his snuggly age while it lasts...he completely melts me every time.
It was so hard to leave today, he fell asleep while I was holding him. Poor kid tried so hard to sleep before he opened gifts, but Jennifer obviously wanted him awake, so I was sitting on the floor, and ended up putting him down, and then he crawled back on me and laid in my lap...it was so cute!
But yes- I think I'm gonna see them again tomorrow before they leave, which shall rock.
We drew names for Christmas today. I got my Uncle Gary, which rocks...he should be easy to buy for. (He's Jennifer's dad...the two kids up there are Jennifer's)
I always used to trade my parents so I could get one of my cousins, since they're obviously closer in age...but you know- I just don't care. I like finally being at an age now where I do sit in with the "adults" and carry on conversations with them for a long time...it's much more fun. I'm still able to get down and play with the kids, but there's a big gap between 5 and 16 lol...so Kayla and I aren't seen as kids anymore...it's nice.
I shall go...think I might watch a movie. I'm happy now though- I've been waiting to see them for forever...and nothing's changed. They're still the 2 greatest kids on the face of the earth...but that will never change until I have kids of my own, and by then- they'll be the two greatest teenagers on the face of the earth! Yea...when they realize they have me wrapped around their fingers- there'll be trouble to pay! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2005|08:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Matt Wertz- Wandering Eyes live | ] |
*grins*
I get to see my guys in like 2 hours :) Benjin's 1st birthday party is today (even though he turned one on the 15th lol)
I can't wait to see them...haven't seen them since August *sighs*
but yes- I'm off to charge my camera, pics when I return?
Everyone be happy! I miss these kids *so* much, so it's completely made my month knowing I'll see them today. This is the longest I've gone without seeing Nathan...like- ever lol...since he was born, which, considering Nathan is 4 and Benjamin is 1, that pretty much shows that it's the longest I've gone without seeing Benjamin as well lol. :p |
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| *sighs* amazing days continue...and I wonder why! |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|06:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  touched | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jeremy Camp- Take You Back | ] |
(slightly random- I know everyone hates long entries lol, but to be honest, huge ones like these are for me. These are things I need to come back to. I don't actually expect anyone to read these, they just happen to serve as wonderful blog/xanga/journal entries!)
So it's like 7:00am and today's already been amazing!
Part of my reading today had me read Hosea 1-3...and wow.
We studied that in Kingsway, but interestingly enough- I don't think they did the parallel between symbolism/literalism (is that a word? lol). *sighs* it's so obvious now...but man. Those three chapters were just so...depressing, but yet so hopeful.
"...she decked herself with rings and jewelry and went after her lovers, but me she forgot..."- Hosea 2:13
wow. That personalizes it so much. When you're away from God, and living off your own free will, it's so easy to sit and say "man, this is wrong, oh well" but when you read that...it's just honestly heart-breaking. Seeing how gut-wrenchingly personal it truly is...at the moment, it seems absolutely impossible to ever think about leaving His side. I knew walking away was wrong, and it hurt Him, but I never realized how deeply it hurts Him.
I've made my fair share of mistakes in my life, but looking back, and imagining His feelings at the time...it's just horrible. I know things I did made Him angry- but it's just the same as it is with parents. It's so much easier when they're mad at you than when they're disappointed in you, or even worse, when you truly hurt them. And that's what I was doing all along, and never once stopped and considered it.
"...I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one', I will say to those called 'Not my people', 'You are my people' and they will say 'You are my God.' " Hosea 2:23
*sighs* and still He takes us back.
"The Lord said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods..." Hosea 3:1
Is that not exactly what we're called to do? Though people may turn their backs on us and spit on us, we're told to keep going. We're told to still love them, and that's a hard lesson to learn. I'll be the first to admit I fall so short of that. It's hard to be knocked down twenty times, and stand up that twenty-first time.
We were told this would be the farthest thing from a walk in the park...but I suppose I figured it would be hard in a different sense. I felt it would be hard to understand, hard to accept, hard to do- whatever...and it is all of that at times...but more and more every day, I'm finding that the real challenge is allowing all of my ideas and thoughts on the world, and the things in and of it to be broken, and let God's take place of that, and learn to make His ideas mine. To make the way He sees people be the way I see people.
I need to see the poor, the down, and the out as equals.
I need to see horrible situations as something that will help me grow.
I need to see the world as a place that can be changed.
I need to see that no matter who the person is- there is good inside them.
I need to know that what I see on the outside isn't always whats on the inside.
I need to learn to look at a persons heart, not the shell of the person.
I need to love unconditionally, and not expect anything in return.
I need to learn to give all of myself away every moment of every day.
I need to grow up and realize there are people in this world who aren't worried about where they're having Thanksgiving this year because they can't afford a sandwhich to split with their family most days, let alone a Thanksgiving dinner.
More importantly- I need to break myself and I need God to break me, so I can grow closer to Him so eventually the voices of the world are droned out, and all I hear is God.
I have so much I need to learn...and I know I'll never learn all of it- for if I did, I would be perfect, and 'Perfect' will never again grace the Earth until Christ comes back. But that's okay. I don't need to be perfect. Christ was perfect for me, and allows my imperfections to be overlooked because of the agony he went through and my devotion to Him.
I will never...*ever* understand why exactly this was done for me, other than the fact that God doesn't want a single soul to perish...but even that- why? Because God is loving? Yes...but His love doesn't make sense...and when you get in these parts- love doesn't need to make sense. True love will never make sense because true love is so pure, and unconditional that it passes any means of understanding. Why? Because we all abuse the love we're given, and still, there God is- ready to take us back and amaze us with His love again.
The reason why I stand
The answer lies in you
You hung to make me strong
Though my praise was few
When I fall I bring your name down
But I have found in you
A heart that bleeds forgiveness
replacing all these thoughts of painful memories
But I know that your response will always be
I'll take you back always
Even when your fight is over now
I'll take you back always
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back
I can only speak with a grateful heart
As I'm pierced by this gift of your love
I will always bring an offering
I can never thank you enough
You take me back always
Even when my fight is over now
You take me back always
Even when my pain is coming through
You take me back
(didn't post full song obviously)
Daily, He's been gracefully breaking me. He's breaking me down to my core so I can fully experience all He's given me. I feel it in the deepest part of my heart. This will be a life changing few months that I know will bring in a totally new life.
I honestly feel as though He's stripping me of things I once believed, one by one until eventually, I will be closer to seeing the world how He sees the world. I want that so badly. I'm sitting here going through the past few weeks in my head and realizing- I'm losing my life right now. I'm sitting here watching ideas, concepts, thoughts go straight out the window and they aren't replaced yet...but as each of those leave, God's planting a seed in one way or another, and daily they're being watered.
The seeds might have been planted in rather unconventional ways at times, but every second I spend with Him, and walk with Him is one more drop of water that will be put on that seed. The more time I spend with him, the sooner the seeds will sprout, and the sooner that happens, well...it's like a forest. The trees weren't all planted on the same day, but every time it rains, they're all getting watered. I'll never be done. I'll never reach a point where I've "grown up" and I'm done...so the sooner I start all of this, the more I'll grow throughout my lifetime.
And there might be a blizzard or two that stunts the growth...but as much as I hate using this lyric- "There is life, wild life coming back from December". And it is wild life in every sense of the phrase. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing.
There's absolutely nothing in this world that I could ever do that would keep the ground frozen forever as long as I'm open to run back to Him. As long as I stick by Him, the snow will always thaw.
Why didn't I do this sooner?
I only hit about 50 different points here, but who cares! |
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| Everywhere I go I know You're not far away- You're right here |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|11:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jeremy Camp- Right Here | ] |
"...it's all about God - who He is, His promises, His truth, how He feels about His children, etc... and AT THE SAME TIME it's specifically about YOUR life and how you can discover who it is God has made you to be and the path He wants to lead you on and the destiny He has for you. and at the same time it's specifically about my life and the plans He has for me and the things he wants to teach me- that's why the Bible is so cool. it's power is irreplaceable - there is no substitute for it!..."
I got a disgustingly huge amount of good advice from a few differen't people over the past few days. The quote above was part of it, and going off the past year- I've definitely discovered that, and how true that is...but I really like how that was worded...it's a difficult thing to understand and to word in a way that does it justice- but I think that hits it on the head, and makes it more clear and just...straight out really.
But yea the past few days have been so amazing. This entire month has really. I think my fear of the 14th making backfiring had really put me in gear and made me rely on God more than I ever have in the past. This month really broke me. I've always known that I'm nothing, I'm a speck, and that I need God to survive and live fully, but like I said last entry- there's a difference between knowing and understanding.
I've encountered that before- we all have, but this time it completely whacked me on the head. This was a big test for me. I was scared and ashamed of the possible roads for my life, but I finally did something that I wasn't sure I'd be able to do when push comes to shove.
I gave it all to God- entirely. I've given it away when I'm in the middle of something, but it seemed like it'd be so hard to give it to God beforehand...like, knowing something was going to come up, you want to try to control that...but I made myself give it up, and it completely paid off. God is amazing.
You know- I'm sitting here thinking the past few days over in my mind and there was one person who I talked to, and after I brought something up, a question I had I was just like "why did I do that? I don't want to come off in this certain light, (not my spiritual image- I'm not worried about that- I'm gonna do what I need to do, but like- I just felt bad for bugging the person and felt like I might come off as rude for doing so) anyways- yea, I was just kinda thinking that I really wish I wouldn't have done that but it turned out to be fine.
And I'm sitting here realizing that it's not about me...it's not about other people, but it's about God. If I'm supposed to learn something from a certain person- that will happen. If the person gets kinda like "will she shut up?!" then that's okay, I'm not going to hound people lol...but if I didn't try, I wouldn't have gotten this.
I'm realizing now that relationships are important, but sometimes, it just doesn't matter. If it's someone who I really don't know at all, but have said hi to and stuff- it's okay to go out swinging- do what you think you're supposed to do even if you have those doubts in your mind because, like looking back now I'm thinking "why did I think that would offend them?!" and it was just my nerves and the devil trying to keep me from doing something that turned out to be very beneficial.
On another topic...Catherine has been soooo amazingly helpful these past few weeks. She's the most encouraging person ever! I want to serve, and do small projects and stuff, but I just have no idea how to get into it, and she's helping me out tremendously! Kinda step by step and when I gave her something that I was supposed to do- I felt bad about it, like I didn't do it right, and it ended up being perfect. I'm learning to not set such high expectations for myself, otherwise I'll just beat myself to a pulp and make it so I feel as though I'm nothing and won't go out and do anything.
But yea- she totally rocks for doing this! She's such an amazing inspiration, and is someone I look up to so much. Her heart for serving Christ through serving people is just mind-blowing. I'm sure I'll learn so much from talking to her, I already have!
On a completely 'surface topic' note, we got our new furniture. I hated it at first...we didn't plan on living in this house very long, but got sucked into it, and it's pretty small...like...super small actually lol...and the furniture would have looked amazing in basically ANY of our old houses...but in here...haha yeeeaa. Honestly- I laughed when I saw it. I stayed up the night before and went in my room while the guys were here because I was in sleep clothes and I walked out after they left and just laughed. It was so...pathetic. It looked like we were trying to make this house into something it's not lol...but yea...I guess after the innitial shock left, I really do like it. It's really comfortable and my mom said something like "well...I didn't want to wait to get nice furniture until we move into a nice house..." and I guess putting it that way, it makes sense....this furniture will just go with us...but man lol...at first glance- it's pretty darn funny.
It really doesn't matter though. It's just us 3 99% of the time...we don't entertain (the thought of entertaining people in this house is just humerous actually- you'd be stepping on each other lol) so I mean- it's SUPER comfortable so who cares, right?
So it seems as though our next 'big project' is to either get new office furniture or a new fridge...I'd rather get office stuff...but I guess that's because I live in here lol. Well actually- we're getting a mirror and coffee table for the living room first, but that doesn't really count because we're doing that tomorrow lol
But yea- yay for awesome days, and SOOOO many awesome days to come God willing. Things are good. |
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| Spirit falling move me again I am listening |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|07:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amazed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Phil- Awe | ] |
(the second part of this is worth reading- this short first part is just surface junk)
So yea...we get our new furniture tomorrow...9:00am lol.
What is it with these places wanting to come so early?! First the carpet people, now this! Something really wrong with me- I slept 18 hours last night into today...can we say "anemia hurry up and get under control so I can get some MAJOR sleep medicine of some kind?!" lol
So I might end up staying up until they get here- who knows.
You know, it's odd. I was laying in bed last night, and listening to my iPod, and Hanson's 'Yearbook' came on- that introduced the idea of seeing a name without a picture- which I flipped around to, seeing a picture- but forgetting who the person is.
We all have pictures like that. Pictures of us with old friends...not best friends- you remember those- but just people you'd play with around school/neighborhood/church occasionally. It's so distressing not being able to pull their name out and remember.
That's how we are with God though. We have all of these memories of times with Him when things were good...but we don't remember all of it, because if we did...we never would have left, and if we did- it wouldn't have been for long.
It's so easy to look back on my childhood and realize that God was just a peer...He was never my best friend. And that's what I need to make Him, otherwise, He'll fade away just like all the people in the pictures.
On the other end- you can be best friends with someone, and let something so small get in between you- which I've certainly been guilty with in friendships, and in my relationship with Christ.
My very first best friend- Julie Woffard- I knew her from the age of 2 until 8- we were so close. Even when we moved from NC to Maryland when I was three- she came and visited a few times until we moved back (we were only in Maryland a year lol). But when I moved from NC to IN, we lost contact. I let distance draw us apart.
The same way with God- I've let shame and guilt draw me away from Him in the past. And in the end- that doesn't help anyone out.
When we went back to North Carolina last Fall, we got together with Julie and her family at another old friend from church's house- and it was so awkward. You wanted it to be like old times, but it wasn't gonna be like that. We had all changed so much. We were 8 the last time we all did something together. Julie and Rachel still knew each other obviously, and did stuff occasionally- but not like it used to be.
Moving away and losing contact put a strain on those relationships, making it so hard to reconnect. And I'll admit- after we left, we all did the whole "don't make it so long before we talk!" thing...but have any of us really tried? No. And to be honest- I don't know if we will. We'll all always cherish those memories, but sometimes, that's what you have to make them- memories, times of the past.
But God isn't like that. God doesn't change. We change- we're the only ones who can be blamed for falling away from Him...but He's SO willing to foget that, and make it like old times. Only He can do that. You can't force old friendships into old times...it won't work...but once you get reconnected with God- it can be just like old times, but you're slightly wiser, knowing what you know because of that experience.
He wants so badly to be our best friend, but so many of us, myself included at times, just kind of make Him an acquintance...sometimes thinking that's enough. We think there's too much work involved in having Him be our best friend, so we put in the minimum, and expect to get everything He's promised to those who give Him their lives...and that's not gonna work.
Compare your relationship with someone who you've just recently met to the person who you're closest to...they probably don't compare. If you had a child, you wouldn't just go up to a stranger and say "hey- can you watch him for a while until I get back?", so why do we do that with our spiritual lives?
Why do we settle for trusting things of this world- money, health, celebrity, success, relationships that aren't 'of' God so to say. Why do we settle? Just as leaving a child with a stranger seems dangerous, leaving your life in the worlds hands is just as dangerous...if not more. That has eternal consequences.
There's life like we could never imagine waiting for us if we reach out and grab it. But when you grab it- you better hold on to it. That's one relationship that was never meant to be awkward at all, and it simply won't work unless both sides work at it, and I guaruntee you that God will always be working at it!
*sighs* The things God chooses to reveal at 5am are amazing! But yea- I just wanted to get it down somewhere because I can benefit from that *so* much, I didn't want to lose it. That was definitely a gift...it's something that's so easy to struggle with...but who wants an awkward relationship?
daylight breaks
I'm back again
there are no secrets here
take Your place
here I stand
in perfect fear
I will be holding out my hands
I will be holding out my hands
surrounding
the weight of Your name
so astounding
the strength of Your arms
Spirit falling
speaking again
I am listening
I stand in awe
I stand in awe
the Spirit in this place
Your presence
so amazing
surrounding
the weight of Your name
so astounding
the strength of Your arms
Spirit falling
move me again
I am listening |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2005|02:32 pm] |
So yea...got the dP. stuff in the mail today. I must say, it's great stuff. The packaging of the CD is better than any recent NB album lol...by far.
I guess they really meant they'd "send it out early" lol...I totally wasn't expecting it until at LEAST the 19th lol.
But yes- watching 3 kids today was interesting. The whole "no sleep" thing nearly killed me...Andrew was being HORRIBLE- SO squirmy, but if you put him down, he screamed bloody murder...so that was interesting. Thomas ended up not having school today, so I did end up having them all for roughly 8 hours. It was crazy...I would have been okay had I slept the night before lol.
But yea- totally short update today...it's sucked, and I'm gonna go eat and go to sleep! I've been home maybe 10 minutes, and will be awake for just a few more, and then I'm out- hopefully until morning...haha yea right!
Edit- just now looked at the dP. stuff- I was surprised to see a certain track on there, and was surprised NOT to see a certain song on there. (Happily surprised though in both cases actually)
"It's so unoriginal...it's the most unoriginal thing in the world!" lol... that makes me laugh now.
I'm happy the journal is not a question and answer thing like other things are...I think those are pretty restricting.
Drainpipe is really good. The second verse...wow. Very creepy stuff.
the end of Drown is amazing...totally caught me off guard. Very Hanson-ish actually. (current Hanson- not Mmmbop Hanson lol). Drown has a very familiar feeling all around.
'Awe' reminds me of that LaRue song...(which might make a lot of sense *goes to look* ...makes a lot of sense actually lol right when he says "surrounding"- listen, and if you listened to CCM like 4-5 years ago, you'll know what song it sounds like)
Honestly, I like it more than I thought I would. It's easy to forget that he's an artist when you don't see that side being used much publically. It's something I'll listen to a lot probably, and not just something that I play once or twice and put up for a while like I thought I would. I've always liked his music though, that's what made it so amusing, so I didn't dislike it, but yea.
The CD came out at a cool time. Hearing these songs, it makes it easy to skim over the last year in my head like a little slide show of moments...it's still pretty crazy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2005|01:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dorky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fall Out Boy-Dance, Dance (coming from the TV) | ] |
Ready to hear how stupid I am? it's 12:50...I need a shower...I'm babysitting my 3 little cousins (just under 1yr, 3, and 5) at SIX FORTY-FIVE in the morning until 2:30
...yeeeaaa...I'm staying up lol
That'll be fun...right? lol
 Would be harmless if he hadn't just discovered the joy of walking
 You simply can't look at her and not realize that she's always up to something! The gymnast of the family...*sighs* I look forward to coming home with many bruises tomorrow lol...(totally joking lol, she's so sweet...and has *so* much energy lol)
 and yea...lol granted this was taken like a year ago, but yes...'Mr. Tough Guy' lol He's really not bad at all lol..super shy, which is one of the reasons this pic cracks me up...he looks so intimidating!
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| Cause it's You who shoulders the blame, and I remember |
[Nov. 14th, 2005|11:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Goo Goo Dolls- Broadway live | ] |
So it's been a year now.
November 14th. Good stuff.
I must say that it's a relief in a way to hit the year mark...I've officially been "normal" for the past year...whatever normal is lol.
But yea...I dunno how I feel about it.
I guess since I'm weird about dates, I start to expect something to happen on certain dates. I've given up caring about birthdays/holidays because those are just...boring lol. But stuff like this still has the small shimmer to it, and honestly...nothing happened.
We got carpet today. woohoo lol *sarcasm*
The people were here from 9am-2pm...I went to bed at roughly 4am, and me being lame, I require a ton of sleep, so I was irritated when they showed up earlier than we thought...they knocked on the door, and that woke me up...yea- I was mad lol. So I ended up falling asleep out in the garage around 1:30ish.
Went to Noble Romans...I suppose that was fun.
I'm interested in starting dP. because the devotion book that I got last year was a joke...wasn't even relevant at all. After that bummed me out (it was okay for the first few months- but then the topics got to the point where I couldn't flex them to make them apply) but yea...I started just doing the thing that my Bible has in it, but all you do is read...and I did journal along with it, but I like having the two together, but knowing that dP. would be out in January, I didn't see the need in going to buy a new one, when they're generally a year long...so I just went along with the one I had in my Bible for a while, which honestly all it is is "read through the Bible cover to cover".
Anyways...I dunno why I'm not all that excited about his CD. I guess I just don't care about him as a musician much at all anymore. I still like his stuff...I love his stuff, but it's just getting to the point of "okay...he can sing...what other tricks can he do? Can he roll over?" it just doesn't matter to me, or interest me at all anymore.
But yes- I'm learning that dates aren't anything at all...it's how you live your life. I mean...the fact that today is 11-14 doesn't change anything at all. The fact that it's a wedding anniversary doesn't ever really change anything...I mean, it's neat I guess but if you go all out for the anniversary, but slack off all year- it doesn't really matter, and it shouldn't matter.
Meh...at least I learned something lol...I suppose that's always good.
But yes...I'm gonna go cause I've gotta vaccuum the house because we have carpet junk everywhere from when it was installed...it's super soft and squishy though...and we get furniture Saturday...apparently the guy was wrong when he said it was on back order *rolls eyes* oh well...Saturday is here soon enough. |
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| *growls* yay for being hyper and good moods |
[Nov. 13th, 2005|12:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  kinda weird- good though lol | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Time Is Running Out- Muse | ] |
Right...so Hanson concert with Aja on the 14th...a no go :( Which kinda sucks just a bit because in the past they've been disgustingly fun...not to mention they are quite possibly one of the best live bands...they really get in to it.
We took our couch to Goodwill today...actually I take that back- my dad and unlce did...I slept lol. (This being like 7am lol) Yea...not sure why, but I thought I'd still have something to sit on. Everything in our living room is leaving one by one lol..it's odd. But yea- we're finally getting carpet on Monday...even though the furniture is on backorder. My mom loves this furniture and won't change the order...even if we end up being furniture-less for over a month (we're taking the other chair to Goodwill on Monday morning lol...so we won't have ANYTHING but 2 endtables in there and the TV and stuff)
My family is so odd.
But yes- from here on, it's just copied from my xanga cause I'm cool like that. *rolls eyes*
Burning Down- Phil Joel
I know what I've been told
I know there's flaws in my thinking
threatening the things I hold so tight
still this is my only hope
this is the way to freedom
cause You are not so concerned with my justice
You let go of your rights
and you expect the same from me
to let the ones who wronged me go free
The burning down of me
this is the cross I see
no other way for me
the burning down of me
this is the grace we have known
the mercy we're shown
the truth, the way, where life begins again
No great love can a man show
than to lay down his life for another
even if the other will never know
You're challenging all that I think I deserve
challenging the ways that I handle my hurt
cause its You that shoulders the blame
and I remember
The burning down of me
this is the cross I see
no other way for me
the burning down of me
this is the grace we have known
the mercy we're shown
the truth, the way, where life begins again
(I'm burning) the truth, the way, where life begins again
(I'm burning)
the burning down of me
this is the crosss I see
no other way for me
the burning down of me
this is the grave we have know
the mercy we're shown
the truth, the way, where life begins again
(I'm burning) the truth, the way, where life begins again
Solo projects that aren't being marketed, or being done simply to do a solo project are so much better than those that are. Yay for not having a producers opinions taint this. While Phil is a good musician...I don't think he's the kind who's meant to write songs to get stuck in your head. He can do that, and has done that...but he's so much better at stuff like this- the raw stuff. *imagines what WOY would have been like if he had done it on his own* actually...he probably needed a bit of guidance on that but yea...
At first, I was just thrilled that he was skipping the label junk because I didn't want him to get tied in to something and stuck there...but man...skipping the label has, in my opinion, already paid off in numerous ways. Yay for people who care about what they're doing more than they care about money!
Things have continued to be great. I'm actually looking forward to the 14th now. I know there's no chance that I'm going back. Forget that. "You have changed the course of my history" ....exactly. It's there in a positive way, but in any negative way- it's been wiped away. My past can only help me now.
My old favorite lyric from the new stuff was 'You're challenging all that I think I deserve, challenging the ways that I handle my hurt' from Burning Down...but this is making a pretty close race. Does it matter? Not at all. They both force me to dig in to myself, which was the only reason I cared about the CD- the lyrics. Proves to be rockin pretty hard in that sense already.
Ack forget it. Honestly- I didn't really like this song as much when I first heard it, it seemed like 'the song' off the album- like WOY/Strangely Normal were on WOY...but yea...this part hit comfortably close to home.
You have changed my emotions
You have steadied me
You have changed my eyes
and what I let them see
You have changed the course
of my history
thank God You're still changing me |
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| You're challenging all that I think I deserve- Challenging the ways that I handle my hurt |
[Nov. 11th, 2005|07:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Phil Joel- Burning Down | ] |
Just gonna copy from my Xanga- I actually wrote in there before LJ today....weird.
so....interesting day? no not really lol...it just makes me seem important when typing "interesting" in anywhere.
Things have been muuuuch better lately. Honestly- I think I just needed to rant, and I kinda did, and I realized that a lot of what I ranted about wasn't what I believed at all...it was what I was afraid I would believe, or would give in to if I let my guard down (I forget what I ranted about in here, so if it doesn't make any sense connecting what I just said, to what I ranted- then it's not for this lol)
I think I just had myself stressed out that I wasn't being what I should/could be, and not in a worldly sense, but in God's eyes. That I was turning around to old habits, but I realized that, if I'm not feeling pressure, and if it gets easy...I'm not growing.
For so long I had a habit of running or doing something seemingly easier when things got hard...I think that this past week has been that habit trying to nudge it's way back into my life again...and now that I realize it...it's not gonna happen.
But yes- these past few days have been great. I was afraid of November because of the promise I made to myself, but now- I'm clearing any thoughts I have on that, and either way it goes, I know it's going that way for a reason.
Trusting God is so much easier than running thoughts around in my mind lol.
But yes- my internet was out all morning...and I just never got on yesterday...totally helped. The internet sucks lol...I get distracted with it without realizing what I'm doing or how much time I'm wasting. Doesn't really look like that'll be a problem now...I've got too much to do to worry about the internet.
I think overall I was afraid that I'd fall, and go in to one of those classic "I was great, I got off the bandwagon, then something came and picked me up and it changed my life". I've had enough dramatic life-changers for one year...lol I think they get pretty old after a while. I mean, really- how many times can something completely change your life? I won't say I'm running from those- but I'm running from NEEDING those. But I do realize that God needs to take us through the pits in order for us to get it sometimes...but I'm not going through the pits because of my own stupidity.
btw...www.deliberatepeople.com is up :) Congrats to Phil and Heather of course. Seems like there's still a few small glitches, but it's all good. There's 2 videos now...both are good...but I must say that I enjoy the album one a bit more, he goes in to a description of a few of the songs...good stuff. Then again- I suppose hearing something 50 blillion times will automatically make you like something different. He's a silly guy. But yes...I don't think I've ever seen him that happy. Something I've noticed over the past year is that he completely changes when talking about dP. his eyes, voice...everything about him changes...and these videos definitely prove that, in my opinion. And that makes me happy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|07:18 pm] |
|
I just now found that from August. Benjin's so cute!
Anyways- yay for another random update?
Went to Meijer today and printed out roughly 200 pictures...that was fun...and expensive. I think it ended up being like $35...ish? Yea...fun stuff lol.
My blood test ended up coming back fine. My mom told me after I got out of the shower and was like "well, everything came back fine. She said you're anemic though, which is no surprise, but I'm guessing you're pretty anemic because you have to take this pill 3 times a day for a month, and then you go back to get tested again"
...great. My new-found inability to swallow pills should make this great *rolls eyes* Oh well. I'm happy it's just that though...I really started to flip out and think that I was going to have kidney/liver failure, it hadn't crossed my mind at all until the nurse said they were going to test EVERYTHING and I was like...oh wow...I guess that could be a factor. Needless to say, I'm disgustingly relieved that there isn't anything "real" going on, but I'm kinda nervous about having to take that thing 3 times a day...I'll have to get creative with this to make it go down lol.
(long story short, for about a year now, if I try to take a pill, I gag...completely. If I still try to swallow it, I end up completely choking and getting sick...not fun stuff...yay I shall go Aja and Rachel just got here...BLAH!
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| If you can hear a piano fall, you can hear me coming down the hall |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|01:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | White Stripes- Dead Leaves... | ] |
hmmm...
Random update- I'm just tired of looking at the update I have on the screen
yay for a round of sleepless nights? I'd say so. I dunno...I'm not hyper, I'm not tired, it's 2:00 and I want to go to bed, but it doesn't feel right at all.
The warning on the back of my keyboard:
"Avoid resting your wrists on sharp edges" hahahaha I'm not exactly sure why that seemed so funny. But yes- I never even knew this keyboard had a warning on it...and there's one on the front and the back.
How observant am I?
I never get sick. I find that to be absolutely hilarious. Like, everyone around me is sick at the moment, and I'm not...which makes it somewhat boring, but the irony is just hilarious. My immune system is probably like a tenth of what it should be, yet I never get sick because I never do anything. If I did do stuff, I'd get sick. If I did stuff though, it'd build up my immune system so I couldn't get sick as much...but I don't get sick...so yea- this totally just proves that doing nothing and having no life at all is actually somewhat healthy for you.
Granted, I've got something funky going on with me with the sleep and all that weird stuff, BUT I haven't had the flu/strep/etc since I've left school...well actually...I don't think I was ever sick in 9th grade...so yea- 8th grade- 3 years...woot for me.
Quote of the week:
Ebby: I'm totally going to call you and make you talk to Pete.
Me: Ohhhhh no! You know I'd hang up. And you know, I totally don't even mean that in our normal sense...that would just creep me out so much that I'd automatically hang up!
Ebby: I know, that's why it'd be so funny! He'd be like "oh...wrong number?" and I'd be like "no, that was the right number, she's actually a big fan...but not really" |
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| Just copied from my xanga |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|11:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cecil Adora- Dashboard | ] |
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Justin officially rocks. I went to my room to go to bed, and I saw my phone and realized "wow my phone's been in here ALL night" so I open it up, and I have this new voicemail.
I had no idea who it was, so I listen to it thinking it's probably some wrong number...well...it wasn't.
"So Ashley, I'm at this Gaither thing, and you aren't, and I'm kinda bummed...." yea...that made me happy. I really wanted to see him today, but just knew that there was NO chance of running in to him by luck in downtown Indianapolis lol, so I left my number in case he figured out his schedule or whatever, but then realized "he's not gonna see this before today!"
Why do people rock so much? I was pretty bummed things didn't work out, but was okay with it because it was totally unrealistic, but yea. He's stuck with meeting up in December now...schedule permitting of course. I love this guy. Just from what I've seen, he's awesome...except for the fact that he's hardly ever in Indy...and if he is...I don't know about it lol
For so many years, I lived convincing myself that people will only let you down. But it's pretty hard to keep that perspective when time and time again you're proven to be so wrong. But I dunno...I think it's good to know that people will let you down. Everything falls short of God...but it's not good to have the extreme thoughts on that that I did...and it's starting to flow evenly.
*goes in to sappy moment*
aw shucks, I love all of you guys.
*ends sappy moment* that was like...Charlie Brown meets Dr. Phil lol
Anyways...yea...so I've been online all night. Which was nice in a way...I haven't talked to a lot of my 'online friends' in a little while...still wasn't able to talk to CJ though...my computer hates me lol...
But yes- I should really go to sleep now because I've got a TON of school work to get caught up on. Home schooling was in a sense, the best decision ever made, but definitely one of the worst lol.
hehe gotta take it old school for this-
I can't believe how long ago that was. Almost 4 and a half years...time goes by too fast. ...I was so stupid then lol...so so stupid! Weren't we all though?
Night guys, hope you all have an awesome weekend |
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| No one's getting out of here alive |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|11:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Foo Fighters- DOA | ] |
So yes...went to the doctor this morning.
As I was walking over to get blood drawn my doctor saw me (I didn't see him, just saw a nurse- I wouldn't be able to get in with him until next week) but yea, my mom sees him to, so he said something to her, and I kept walking. When we got in the car she said he was like "is she sick or something, cause she looks like crap" and my mom was like "we think she's anemic" and he was like "well yea, thats kind of obvious from the looks of her" lol..soooo yea...hopefully things will turn out that I am, and that'll be the end of it.
After that we went to Khols, and I decided to go to the LOCB while we were over there. I only cared about reading Phil and Bry's parts in that stupid new book they put out, but Bry isn't even mentioned, so that cut down on time, so I sat in there and read Phils comments...needless to say, I walked out of there slightly...depressed. Most of what he said made me happy...haha there were quite a few things in there that I have heard nearly DEAD ON to how he wrote it...but other stuff had me kind of worried.
But- I didn't read the blogs at all, just his comments, so he might have been excited and agreeing about something that I would agree with as well. I totally realize that Jim Laffoon and I probably have a common ground some where on our beliefes, and who knows- that might have been one of them. I'm not gonna let it get me down too much since I didn't read the whole thing, but it's definitely in the back of my mind.
But yea...I'm gonna go eat...I haven't been able to eat since like 10 or 11 last night...yeeeaaa slightly hungry! |
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| Livin it up with your hand in mine |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|06:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cecil Adora- Dashboard | ] |
Cecil Adora has a new song up (not sure when it was put up) on myspace called Dashboard...everyone should go listen to it because they rock. www.myspace.com/ceciladora
This is slightly long, but it's a happy one, so I guess that evens things out lol.
Isn't it funny the way things work out?!
So...newsboys/cp show on the 3rd right? CP made me want to want to go, but it just wasn't clicking at all, just didn't feel right, so I'm not going to that and was slightly bummed about not seeing Phil and the CP guys, but it wasn't that bad...soooo tell me why, I get a message from this CRAZY awesome guy who I look up to so much, and I dunno hard to explain, but LONG story short, we're gonna try to meet up when he comes to town....on November 3rd lol...
That totally makes EVERYTHING make sense...if I were in Chicago on the 3rd...I definitely wouldn't be in Indianapolis *sighs* I'm just amused at how things work out sometimes. Anyways, he said he didn't know his schedule...so who knows how/if it will work out.
But you know something I realized...even small things like this- if it's supposed to happen, it WILL happen.
Yesterday my mom and I went out to lunch. While we were out we decided to just head out to Avon to go to this Futon shop...we looked around and weren't impressed. But while we were out there we saw this new furniture store they had built, so we went there and looked around and she found one she REALLY liked, and I certainly didn't dislike it...it was pretty comfortable. Anyways, she said "while we're out here lets go to Godby's to see what they have" and this couch was on like final markdown, and other people were seriously looking at it so I was like "aren't you worried these other people are gonna buy it before us?" and she said "well if we're supposed to get it, we will". I made some joke about "man we've REALLY been watching too many Left Behind movies" and asked her if she was serious...which of course she was.
So we go to Godby's and find the couch we WERE going to get MONTHS ago before we just kind of let it go for some reason...well...within 30 minutes in the store, she bought the furniture set.
If we would have bought that other couch in Gerdt, we wouldn't have gotten this one...and this is SO comfortable! The other one was a sectional, and I LOVED the layout of it..but the color was less than desireable. Because of our lighting, it would like kind of golden in our house, which isn't that bad, but there- it looked like an egg nog color...hideous! But yea- if it's supposed to happen, it will.
If I was supposed to go to that Chicago show, I would have...notice I'm not going, which means I'm NOT supposed to go. That makes me really hope I'm not supposed to go so I can have a talk with this guy, but if not...I know there's a reason.
That takes so much stress off everything(well not this situation lol, this isn't stressful, but like- overall life choices and stuff). Granted, I could be stubborn and screw things up with my free will...but I'm not going to do that. I'm gonna leave the gates open, and if anything happens- awesome, if not, I know there's a reason, and I'm not going to screw things up by being stubborn and selfish.
That being said- I realize that I can't just say "okay...I'm in England, if God wants me to be in India...He'll take me there" and lay down and expect to be teleported over there...same applies to real life, I have to set up the opportunity for God to work in my life.
Wow...that gives me a lot to think about. I never realized how contradicting I can be of myself...I can say thing about one aspect of my life, when that's REALLY what I need to hear about another aspect of my life. I think I'm weird.
I dunno...I'm just happy...I love this guy, and lately, he's really showing me how he really does love people in general. He's got a great heart, and even if things don't work out, I respect him, and appreciate him so much for opening up the door. He could just say "no, I'll be busy"...but he's not, and when he's saying "I'd love to sit and talk with you" or whatever he's saying- I know it's genuine...I don't even think about typical cop-out answers or fake niceness with him. If he says he's gonna have a really busy day, and just can't see how it'd work out, I know he's gonna have a really busy day.
Things went from really bad a few days ago, to really good right now. It all started with that message...that totally out of the blue message, and it was like...I dunno- but these last few days have been great. I dunno...call me a sap- which I am, but things have just sucked lately for various reasons, and it's completely my fault, but yea...it's nice to see a change...it'd be nicer to be the change, but as horrible as it sounds...for right now, I'm gonna settle on seeing the change until I get back on my feet and dust myself off.
Anyways- the week so far:
Today- taking my grandma to go get some lamps or something, getting new carpet, and just- I dunno, it's an Avon day basically.
November 2nd- my mom wants me to go get my license tomorrow, but that's just not looking too desireable now...but it would REALLY help me out I suppose. Anyways- yea, I go to the doctor at 8:00am tomorrow to get tested for anemia...hopefully that comes out as positive, because if not...I've got some major issues going on.
November 3rd- downtown all day
I know Rebekah will be in town as well through the weekend (or maybe just Thursday...not excactly sure) but it'd be really cool to be able to meet up with her...we'll see how things go I suppose. ...I don't think I've seen her since March...crazy stuff.
ohhhh BTW- I watched this movie called "Edges of the Lord" AMAZING. It stares Haley Joel Osment(sp?) He was absolutely stellar in it. He's a little boy from Poland, and was a Jew, so his parents sent him to live on this farm so that he could avoid going to the camps, and it was just...absolutely amazing, and very convincing. In typical sap fashion, I cried at the end...but yea- beautiful movie...definitely reccomend it! |
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| *yawns* I'm totally not tired *falls asleep at desk* |
[Oct. 29th, 2005|10:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Manic Street Preachers- I Live To Fall Asleep | ] |
Nice people rock. Some small things just turn your day around completely. I never knew that someone I know, but don't know at all could rock so much and be so caring. Stuff like that just completely reaffirms why I like people and...I dunno it's just one of those "yea...I totally get why they're so special!".
In other news...calling the doctor Monday so I can go in and get tested for anemia...which I'm 99% positive I do have, but obviously, I can't do anything about it until I'm told I have it lol. I looked up the signs/symptoms online...I had all but "racing heart"...how sad is that? But yea- my mom and I both think that that's adding to the sleep problems, because my energy is completely zapped most of the time.
If things go ideally- it should be a pretty fun week, if not...meh.
November 1st Casting Pearls is gonna be on WGN's morning news thing from like 6:20-8:00am sparatically playing songs...the cool thing? WGN is a Chicago station...we get it! So yes...everyone who can should watch it...it shall be good stuff!
Nathan and Benjin are coming up in just under a month, and honestly, it couldn't come sooner...Nathan's birthday was the last time I saw them...back in August...I miss my guys like crazy!
Anyways...I think I'll go back to sleep or something...I've been up since 1:30 this morning...which means I really haven't been up all that long, but to put things in perspective- I was awake for 4 hours yesterday before I felt exhausted...I really need a doctor lol...why do I realize things on a Friday instead of a Sunday?! So yea- a few more days of this junk, a few days for medicines to kick in, and I'm set! I honestly can't wait....I'm so sick of this. My days just slip away...honestly, I'm not even living. I'm becoming a very weak, sickly, shell of a person...and that's just not cool.
I live to fall asleep
It's when I stop the hate
I never want to dream
It infiltrates beauty
I live to fall asleep
Regenerate and sin
Skin so tense gives in
I've lived enough to kill
When did you become another distant friend
Everyone who loved you stayed waited till the end
When did you become another distant friend
Everyone who loved you stayed waited till the end
Oh, when did you decide that sleep could save your life
How could you become another boy struck dumb
How could you become another boy struck dumb with love
I live to fall asleep
I live to fall asleep
I live to fall asleep
it helps me through the day
Drink has never dulled
a pain so deep does run
I live to fall asleep
serene alone happy
Holding on to screams
waiting for the time
When did you become another distant friend
Everyone who loved you stayed waited till the end
When did you become another distant friend
Everyone who loved you stayed waited till the end
Oh, when did you decide that sleep could save your life
How could you become another boy struck dumb
How could you become another boy struck dumb with love
I live to fall asleep
I live to fall asleep
So lazy, lazy, lazy
Chuck down all the pills
Needing to remember how and why to live
Oh, when did you decide that sleep could save your life
How could you become another boy struck dumb
How could you become another boy struck dumb with love
I live to fall asleep
I live to fall asleep |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2005|06:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | This Is Yesterday- Manic Street Preachers | ] |
"Why do anything when you can forget everything" |
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| It's 7:17 in the morning... |
[Oct. 22nd, 2005|07:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Underoath | ] |
...and I'm still awake *rolls eyes* I suppose I'll stay up through the day though.
So I was bored last night and ended up getting really into some lyrics...I kind of annoys me that I obsess over, and dive into lyrics so avidly, but if I ever tried to write any, I would fall flat on my face. I don't have a reason to, and I don't even necissarily want to, but...I suppose it's like if you're a CRAZY basketball fan, but you can't play basketball for anything...you look rather ridiculous in some aspects...and I feel like that.
How can I love something so much, and...for a time, have that be my only way of even TRYING to understand what I felt and thought, and not even know how to do it myself? I wish I could, but that's such a natural talent. I don't want to be a person who learns how to write well, but someone who was born with that gift. In my opinion, a good majority of the time, it's so obvious who was just born with that in them, and who wasn't.
*continues listening to music playing*
yes...it's insanely obvious in many cases who is born with that talent, and who isn't.
So my lyrics of the night that I found, and really hit a nerve with me in one way or another- all from various artists, but all of whom I love. I wouldn't even try to read in to why they hit so hard...the seemingly obvious ones, in all reality, are probably the least obvious.
-you can have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
-voices twisting in the air
sweetly sounding so unclear
but nothing can replace a word from You
-when the strength you need, is the strength you lack
-stop pretending when you say you're happy
-try to replace me, still see the face of me
-every day a re-run of the next
-I can actually see my breath tonight
But that doesn't mean I'm breathing
-I haven't talked in days
And I'm really not too sure
What I sound like anymore
I feel like dripping it dry tonight
-I dont know how to say this
my thoughts have just run out
-Running from You is what my best defense is
-what's faith if i can't believe*
it's everything
a cure, but i make it a disease
God take me because i hate me
-And I see the light
but the dark is so accomodating
-There are so many things I should be doing
but I don't, and I don't change
-Get back? You don't even know if you can
-Illusions of the world are spinning out of time and frame and synchronicity*
-The mortal coil of imagine, inner peace, and satisfaction*
-What is, what is this, this mess of my existence*
-What will we do when the fickle flee?
*sighs* you know...as over-complicated and over-done as I try to make it, or as surface driven and obvious as I try to take them...it's still all so obvious in that subliminal way.
I've finally learned to accept music for music, which has completely broadend my musical tastes...if I like the lyrics, or I like the sound...I like it. I think that was something I was trying to hold off on before. I've got 2 new Backstreet Boy songs on my iPod, along with Bye Bye Bye covered by FSF, and a new Ashlee Simpson song. Weird? maybe...but that BSB song "Just Want You To Know" is insanely good. The music in the verses, and...well...mainly the verses period seem a little odd...but then the bass kicks in, and it starts to make sense musically, and it just gets great. Nick's vocals during the chorus are great. I think the chorus vocals, and the lyrics do it for me...definitely NOT digging the keys on this song...ewh.
You know...I've noticed that when my mood changes, my music drastically changes. I wish I could figure out which happens first...if music affects my mood, or if my mood affects the music I want to listen to. I think they both do, but when you can look back and remember the day your mood changed from A to B, then I think one or the other took place...I think I'm weird.
I like my music. I like my iPod...it's so "everywhere" musically. Tommy Lee to Sarah Brendal, The Beatles to Idiot Piolet. And it's good stuff...I enjoy it.
For instance- I just went from "Good Times" by Tommy Lee, to "Elle G." by newsboys...I love both songs, and they both bring out totally different thoughts, ideas, feelings, whatever in me...I like having something that can do that. It keeps me from thinking too much in one frame of mind...which isn't always a bad thing, but there's definitely such a thing as overkill, but even when I know it's overkill, and even if I force myself to stop thinking...that feeling is still there. That's what I'm left with.
For instance- I could be thinking about how GREAT it is to have a blue sky after listening to a song about blue skies...so I'd sit and figure out why I like it, why it's blue, why it's even called a sky, what purpose it serves, etc...and I'd force myself to stop thinking baout it after realizing it's total overkill...but the second I look up, I'd be thinking "it sure is great to have a blue sky...I still wonder why it's blue" or something stupid like that. (not that I actually think that much about the sky, but yea- it was an example lol)
If I stop it within the first few questions and thoughts and ideas- then I'm still benefitting, but it's leaving me wanting more, instead of me absolutely hating whatever I was thinking about. It's good stuff.
I have started facing a totally new challenge. I feel as though I need to think about something, I know I need to, but I don't want to...so I play with the idea, and then immediately try to distract myself before I even totally get at the point of what I need to think about...but I've had that feeling quite a few times this week, but I somehow block it out, unintentionally, before I have the chance to even tell what exactly it is...which is quite annoying.
*Illusions of the world are spinning out of time and frame and synchronicity/The mortal coil of imagine, inner peace, and satisfaction
I used to think those were probably just the two best lines of a song ever...most well written by far up until that point...and I understood them, obviously...but that was all they were. But now, I am them.
It creeps me out in a sense to know that I connect so closely and so vividly with a Kmax song...he doesn't mess around with lyrics.
*what's faith if i can't believe
it's everything
a cure, but i make it a disease
God take me because i hate me
Well if that's not the single best lyric in the entire world...one of the most..."moment capturing" I dunno what is. "A cure, but I make it a disease" geesh...that's just like...go dig out the lovelibertydisco...and as disgusting as it sounds to connect Newsboys and Underoath...lld isn't exactly what I'd call an up and cheery record. Much like Hanson *remember Zac explaining this on dvd* "it's like Misery, it sounds all happy, but it's really not at all!" or something like that...
anyways- it's 8am and I'm going to Meijer, Marsh, the UPS store, and Michaels....that should keep me awake until at least 10, and then coming home and cleaning up my room so I can get junk out of the office, so I can then clean my room again (stupid I know, but it has to be that way) so I can start something that I think will finally get EVERY ounce of wanting to think out of my body |
|
|
| A night surrounded by kids and Batman |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|12:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Control- MuteMath | ] |
Tonight was fun. Thomas' 5th birthday...that's so crazy! So yea, we go over there and couldn't find a place to park. No joke, I tried to park for TEN minutes. The way their street is...it's crazy, and they have 3 cars- so only 1 fit in the driveway, so there were like 5 cars ALREADY parked out there on the street when we were there (luckily they live at the end of a cul-de-sac) so I end up parking IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET next to my grandpa (which made me want to puke when trying to park...he's a nut about his cars!) But it wasn't that bad because my mom had to leave soon anyways...(oddly enough, my unlce parked to the left of me...so he was REALLY in the middle of the street!)
Anyways...it was fun. Jennifer called my Aunt Marcia on her cell so she could tell Thomas happy birthday, after that I ended up talking to Nathan :) That completely made my night. Nathan was talking to Uncle Gary (his 'Papa') and he walked over to me, still talking to him and was like "you wanna talk to Ashley? okay- hang on" and I don't know who I thought it was, but I quickly realized who it was. He's hard to mistake for anyone else lol.
So we talked to a bit, and then Jennifer got on (I think it was on speaker phone because she could apparently hear what I was saying to him because she was trying to tell him stuff to say in response to my stuff lol) but yea...She was telling me about how he has the Christmas routine down and how he's like "First Santa goes to Grammy's house, then Santa goes to Nana's house, then Santa goes to Ashwee's house..." haha...gosh...I love him like crazy! Benjin said hi to me too. That blew me away...he couldn't really talk the last time I saw him (he babbled, but didn't make any real words) and she kept telling him to say hi, and he wasn't and then I hear this "hi!", so of course I thought she said it for him, but no lol, that was him. I told Jennifer I was surprised Nathan remembered me since I haven't talked to him in like 2 months...but apparently everytime she brings up going to Nana's, or Nana going there (my Aunt Marcia) he says something "and then we go to Ashwee's!" or "Is Ashwee coming?". Which obviously made me so happy...I miss that kid like CRAZY!
So Jennifer and I talk for a while, then I went back inside for cake. I really didn't want to stay after my mom left...I just felt horrible, and I wasn't really sure why, but I'm really happy I did. My mom said that Scott (Stephanie's husband) rocked, and was super nice after Nathan's party, and I've never really talked to him much, but we talked a bit tonight, and he's really cool. Definitely MORE than fits in with our family. I think he's gonna be an awesome guy to get to know. I feel strange that I don't really know him, but yea lol. Anyways...the night was fun...I hadn't seen Thomas, Lucy, or Andrew since Nathan's party, so that was obviously great to see them...they're so cute together.
 Lucy
 haha this picture amuses me
 He looks so deep in this picture lol
But yes- not abad night |
|
|
| So I'm bore at 6:30 in the morning... |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|06:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos- your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape
So amazingly deep...and yet so true and on the mark.
Absolutely amazing. I must say I'm happy I was in a TOTALLY random Evanescence mood tonight...which is insanely weird for me since I never really got into them...they had good songs- but they were all overplayed SO much. |
|
|
| Night of the Flying Shoes |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|02:04 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | concerts | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Relient K- I So Hate Consequences | ] |
So the show was fun. I dunno which was more fun, the show, or the 'before the show' stuff. Got a rockin new *green* shirt though...that was fun...and expensive *rolls eyes* lol, not really, but yea. Saw a lot of flying shoes tonight. I kid you not, after MxPx came up, there were at LEAST 2 shoes flying on the stage each song, there were a few during Rufio as well.
I'm too tired to actually update...and I've been editing (crap) pictures for the past 3 hours *dies* lol...so I'm just gonna post a few, and possibly update tomorrow...or just steal Rachel's update lol.
 Our small group of 4 grew over 30 minutes lol
 I actually like this one...weirdness
 yay for being smart and going to the side of the stage and behind the speakers to get pictures...it worked well!
 He smiled for me, and I somehow managed to mess it up lol *rolls eyes* that's my luck!
 I LOVE this picture!
 I knew he was gonna jump, so I set up for it...but he didn't jump out HALF as far as I thought he would, he just mainly jumped straight up...so this is what I'm left with. So much for centering *rolls eyes* I dunno...as much as I dislike it, and as angry as I am with it, I like it in some sick twisted way.
 I would adore this if the color wasn't SO screwed up
 This was seriously like the ONLY way to get Matt half the time! I like it in an 'awkward, yet hilarious' kind of way
 yay for possessed eyes!
But yea- it was fun, but I'm officially off to bed because I'm actually tired, and I'm going to take advantage of that, and try to get on a good schedule. |
|
|
| Good night, good music, good times |
[Oct. 8th, 2005|06:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Newsboys live in Sao Paulo | ] |
I just found some CRAZY awesome live version of Not Ashamed "live in Sao Paulo" omg...CRAZY! I was hesitant to dl it at first, thinking it was something dumb, but yea...this is real. *cries* active...hyper...energized...nearly techno sounding...sounds amazing. REALLY want to know what year this is. I suppose I could just look up them playing in Brazil...I doubt they do that too often lol...ah "this is 1999, get your hands in the air..." OMG...Pete's voice- woah buddy! It just went crazy high and sounded splendidly amazing. (I'm totally not excited lol)
They sound A-Ma-Zing lol.
...OMG! and Spirit Thing....This translator is awesome...just as energetic as Pete is! ..."or is it gonna be the right?!" (followed by some CRAZY translating...totally energized translator lol) "put your hands together, this is a Brazilian jumping song, it's gonna be okay- I know how it ends!" lol...great. I've noticed that the right ALWAYS wins lol...ALWAYS. Phil's vocals are great on this.
*dies*
I miss them opening with NA...that was the song that just...I dunno what it is, but it gets you. It completely takes everything Newsboys are, shoves it all together, and throws it at you full on, and it's AMAZING! They're so disgustingly energized, and running around the stage, Jody's fro goin everywhere, Phil...you don't even SEE Phil because he doesn't stop moving, Jeff's dances, Dunny sounding HARD- every hit sounding like he could knock a head off, and Pete's voice nearly shaking with energy. I miss this SO much!
this has totally made my day!...my week even. is that sad? yes lol. Relatively good quality too...acutally- it's amazing. Sounds professional...definitely.
ANYWAYS...
Got a ton of new songs tonight...very happy about that obviously. Much thanks to Gary for this!
Prepare to be BLOWN AWAY by my amazing musical tastes! Bolded the ones I was super happy with
Mat Kearney- Lifetime, Call Me, Walking Away, Stones (basically just what I didn't have of his album yet) (just found out that Stones, or The Stones, isn't even ON his album lol...weirdness...its genius though)
Sarah Brendel- Fire
Tommy Lee- Good Times, Blue
U2- Elevation(live), Running To Stand Still (live version 1, live in Chicago, and live in Sydney)
The Killers- Somebody Told Me live acoustic
Hanson- Wake Up, Every Word I Say
Various Artist- What's Goin On cover
Johnny Cash- Hurt
NIN- Hurt Acoustic, In Da Club/Closer 50 cent Remix (HILAROUS!)
House Of Heroes- basically all the songs I didn't have- wont list them all lol (namely Friday Night and Uncomfortable)
Idiot Pilot- A Day In The Life Of A Poolshark, To Buy A Gun, The Violent Tango
Goo Goo Dolls- Iris Acoustic
Foo Fighters-(actually it's just Dave) Tiny Dancer cover
RHCP- Tiny Dancer cover
Dizmas- Revolution, So Long My Friend, Riots and Violence
Falling Up- Falling In Love
Newsboys- BBYN live in Minot, live in Sao Paulo (Random Brazil person song, NA/Spirit Thing)
Mae- Giving It Away acoustic, We're So Far Away
AFI- Head Like A Hole cover (amazing!)
Jars Of Clay- Collide
Skillet- Shout To The Lord live
Coldplay- Fix You live (3 versions) Clocks live, The Scientist live
Muse- Sing For Absolution, Apocalypse Please, Hysteria
Mute Math- Control, Peculier People, Plan B
The Elms- Here's My Hand
Jeff Buckley- Hallelujah (been trying to find this song for forever, then Gary told me to go listen to it, and I about flipped...never knew who sang it or the title, so I was happy!)
dcTalk- Lets Roll (verses don't really impress, but the chorus is good)
Linkin Park- Dust In The Wind cover acoustic live
Johnny Rzeznik- I'm Still Here live acoustic
so yea...I've had a fun night...today will probably suck...gonna be super tired...I may or may not stay up all day. I'm feeling pretty good right now actually. I might nap for an hour or 2, then get up and take a shower and maybe do some school stuff |
|
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| Happy is a Yuppie Word |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|09:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mat Kearney- In The Middle | ] |
So I'm bored.
Tomorrow I'm going to Brooke's with Rachel. Brooke's awesome, Rachel's awesome, so it meshes well. Not sure who else is gonna be there...all I know is it sounds like a LOT of people lol...shall be interesting, but fun!
GOOOOSH Mat Kearney just gives me CHILLS! Absolutely amazing. I forget how much he amazes me sometimes lol...that was random, but not lol. Rachel and I are sending songs to each other, and I sent Mat, and yea.
*growls* I'm in an awesome mood
I think everyone should go to www.newsboyshq.com and www.castingpearlsfan.com cause they're amazing sites, with some good stuff on them. castingpearlsfan.com will have an EXCLUSIVE video interview with the guys up in a while...shall be pretty awesome.
Anyways- I'm super bored (acutally, I'm not- I say that out of habit) so I shall go and listen to some more AMAZING songs!
to end this off:
Me: looove love me do, you know I love you...ill always be true, so pleeaaaaassssee love me dooooo....why am I in a Beatles mood? lol..I don't even like the Beatles...I randomly put like 10 beatles songs on my iPod...that's evil lol
Gary: what song is that
Me: Love Me Do lol
Gary: lol ah hah
Gary: tricky!! |
|
|
| Wasting time... |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|02:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Wedding- Wake The Regiment | ] |
It's 2:30...I have to move the computer back into the office now...
I'm absolutely exhausted mentally and physically and am far from being in the mood to mess with this.
things to plug in:
speakers
extra sound thing- cant think of the name at the moment
ipod
camera
computer box
screen (wall/computer)
internet
some other thing that goes into an outlet
mouse USB from box to wall
I DONT want to mess with this right now.
I might just set it up and not plug it in.
I'm completely drained physically and emotionally at that moment and feel like total crap in both ways...Im listening to Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey and it's driving me crazy *sighs* I guess I should get moving... it won't do this itself.
Really want to talk to someone...but I can't. I need to learn to stop burning bridges *sighs* Actually if I put it that way, there's quite a few people I've been wanting to talk to but have killed off communication completely for various reasons. I do this to myself...I'm so stupid sometimes. |
|
|
| Can't live my life, for lack of it |
[Oct. 4th, 2005|04:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Audio A- Speak To Me | ] |
Well...I've finally done it.
I'm now officially able to put myself in the mindset I was a year ago. I feel it, smell it, see it, taste it, fear it,... I am it.
Last night I was laying in bed and I was seriously at a very pivotal place in my 2004 year. I was there. I felt it. I relived every feeling I had during a select amount of time, every horrible feeling, and it really creeped me out. Every breath I took during that time, I felt. I felt how cold it was, I felt the chill go into my lungs,I felt how exhausted I was...phyiscally and emotionally...I felt how annoyed I was...how lost, forgotten, and forsaken. ...I was there.
It's time to be honest with myself. I'm not depressed. I still feel as though I'm far from that...but I'm not happy. I'm not living any more...I'm just kind of...thinking.
Thats all I do any more. I don't want to do anything but just sit and think, and it's really starting to ruin things for me.
I've moved the computer in my room for the night so I can just sit and think, and actually keep it. Writing takes too long and by the time I finish part of a sentence, I can't remember what was going to come next because I've already moved from that thought to a new one, so it's pointless and causes confusion. How pathetic is that? I'll spend 20 minutes taking my computer apart (well all the things that were connected to it) and then bring it in a new room, set it all back up, stupid cable cord included, just so I can sit, think, type, and just...be, as I please? My dad thought I was crazy...I told him I wanted to clean the desks *rolls eyes* I don't understand me.
It is nice to just lay on my bed and type instead of sitting in that chair...I'm starting to hate the office now, so this is a nice change.
Anyways...I'm not sure what's up with me.
The book I'm reading, talks about this guy who was addicted to drugs and was in rehab and stuff, and he had "user dreams"...could I be having the same thing? If I am, I'm not sure why it's happening now. Maybe because I was so...happy afterwards, and now that that high has worn off, I'm just a normal person, and I'm stuck to fend for myself in this situation...well that sounded bad..but I won't try to explain it..I knew what I meant.
I dream about it. I think about it. That's it. I remember the first time I stopped it completely consumed me to where any little thing would make me obsess over it at any given moment. I was always thinking about it, but certain words, places, people, songs....certain things would nearly push me over the edge. Occasionally they won...but I realized that it didn't work no matter how much I want it to.
And thats how this is. I don't want it to work though. I know it won't work..so what part of that do I want? Nothing adds up. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm not perfect and am pretty much bound to screw up on this...but I've come so far that every time I say "it's okay to mess up" I immediately change subjects in my head....bottom line is that I don't want to mess up...but I want to do that even though I know there's nothing there. This is where the stupidity of the situation enters. There's nothing there and I know that...
Ironic how Jeremy Camps "Walk By Faith" came on as I'm typing this "I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see". I honestly don't even know if I'm walking at this point. It's so...just...odd. "Becasue this broken road, prepares Your will for me"...how true is that. The past 5 years were broken roads...but it ended up working out. I know this will too...I just don't get it now, and I don't like not understanding things. If this was a good thing, or if I was moving to another country or something obvious like that, it'd be cool...but this isn't even good. I don't see how it could be good.
I suck.
As much as I love Goo Goo Dolls, they aren't a good mood band. I mean, I don't feel them when I'm in the best mood of my life. I feel them when I'm miserable. I don't like not being able to have the one thing I want most. I don't like having that one thing be so complicated that if you ever uttered the very idea of what I wanted, it wouldn't make sense and people would think I'm strange.
As happy as I am...I'm not. I mean, I'M happy...I know I'm happy and I'm not unhappy...but I'm just not gleefully happy. And maybe I have been for the past year, and now that I'm not, it's flipping me out because I think something wrong. But I'm so snappy with people. I get so irritated so easily. And I walk around in a relatively bad mood until something makes it good, unlike how I have been- walking around in a great mood until something brings me down.
Maybe I'm just getting a bit stir crazy. I've lead the same life for the past year and a half basically, and it's a pretty boring life. I'm not complaining, that's not how it was meant to come off, but I dunno.
I've pushed myself so far away from the rest of the real world that I VERY rarely talk (physically talk- not internet talk) to anyone outside of my immediate family...if I go out of that, it's probably either my grandma or aunt...after that, it gets to be INSANELY rare that I talk to anyone outside of the internet. Which I completely realize that I've done this myself...I'm ranting at myself. I just don't have much variety, but being out of school, I don't know HOW to get a variety of people who I feel will build me up as a person, and not tear me down.
It's bad that I'm so picky with friends, but I've had some pretty crap friends in the past who seriously screwed me up. No one who reads this journal...it was actually a while ago...and actually quite a few different groups of friends, but still. I don't want that. I'm tired of being torn between what I believe is right, and being so desperate for a REAL friend that I start to say "fine I'll do this". I haven't done that in years, 9th grade was probably the last time I did that, but it still drives me nuts, and while I've really learned to hold my ground, what's the point of setting myself up, you know?
I want something real. I want someone to stand and tell me how much I've screwed up some times. I want to be kicked around and be able to see the ugliest of the ugly in me. I'm tired of guessing. I'm tired of my ideas on me...I'm tired of me. I suppose I would have to get real with other people as well. People who I've known for a long time, it's just so easy to be who they expect me to be. It's SO easy to crawl back into that little hole that would protect me from just about anything and play that same old stupid role of the 'quiet one' the one who takes the brunt of the ignorant jokes people at school would make. And I know I have nothing that I need to be protected from...it's just habit. The word habit should never have come into being. One of the worst words int he English language, and I mean that with everything in me.
I'm not sure who I am or what I want apart from a spiritual sense...and that's definitely more than I had this time last year, but I can't live my entire life behind a God, or a religion, or an idea, friends, family, education, athletics..there's something all of us use as a shield, something we feel as though we can control, and it makes us safe. Then again, I'm hiding behind two things, sometimes all at once, sometimes they switch. I need to be honest and real and just flat out blunt sometimes, and while I can think a lot of that, I don't know if I can actually be my deep dark disgusting self around people.
I have an obsessive personality, so that probably doesn't help me out too much. I honestly don't even know if I try to stop thinking and stuff or not. I know, I know- if you don't know whether or not you're trying, you obviously are't.
*sighs* you know it's bad when Audio Adrenaline depresses you...granted it's a depressing song...but still. Actually it's not a depressing song, it just describes old memories FAR too vividly...yet I still have it on my playlist for that reason. I want to be able to keep things fresh...but not this fresh. Why am I so confusing? Why do I love what kills me...or killed me, I should say.
UGH....Im sitting here actually trying to figure out what exactly AA meant in certain parts of the song, which wouldn't be bad...if I didn't come up for 4 different meanings for ONE line. I hate how I can't just be like "oh thats a pretty song"...oohhhhh nooo thats FAR too easy for me, I sit and think to the point where I completely lose track of time and it takes me over. That can't be right.
I used to like it. I've thought too much for a few years, at times it never came up, other times it would help, sometimes it made me see things about myself I didn't want to see...sometimes those things were things I needed to see though.
I mean...who thinks about things to the extent that they're like "oh wow...it's 5:50, it was JUST 5am like ten seconds ago?!" that's not right...it just ISNT and it drives me absolutely crazy, especially when nothing good at all comes out of it and I just end up convincing myself that I'm driving myself crazy.
I've read some great quotes that fit right with where I am now, tonight...but I'm not 'real' enough to post those (actually, I'm just too lazy)...but I'll be surprised if I even post this. It's not that I've been intentionally lying, or not lying, but yea...I just honestly don't think I know what I am, who I am, what I feel, what I want...in an insanely deep sense....I don't care about what it appears to be on the surface...I've lied to myself and convinced myself it was true before...surface just doesn't work with me. *sighs*
so...anyways ....I'm bored, but Gary just called, so I'm gone. |
|
|
| I'm sick of being in a Goo Goo Dolls mood... |
[Oct. 4th, 2005|04:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Goo Goo Dolls- Iris | ] |
Not much has been going on. Finally started a new book. A Million Little Pieces. Pretty good...not really diggin the guys writing style, but the story is pretty interesting. This guy was a drug addict/alcoholic...he bust up his four front teeth so had to get them fixed...he was in a treatment center, and since he was an addict he couldn't have any pain medicine or anestesia...yeeeaaa lol.
That part of the story...my stomach was in knots...he describes is SO vividly, and with all the stuff I went through dentally (no I'm not dirty, I brush my teeth lol, 3rd grade I knocked my two front ones out and slightly chipped one on the side, on a pole, caused lots of trouble for a number of years lol) but anyways, it was a pretty crazy read for a while lol.
I haven't gotten that far yet...I got it yesterday and am only on like...150 or something. But yea, he writes in a strange way...but it's cool. Definitely expanding on my literary knowledge I guess...not that, but like...what I've seen and stuff...adding to the list lol.
Anyways- we're kind of destroying my room at the moment, and it's nice. I had to sleep on my matress in the middle of the living room last night...that was odd lol. But yea- we're taking my bed apart so I can get a futon...I used to want one cause I thought they looked neat, now I just want one so I can have space in my room, and I VERY rarely sleep in my room, and if I do, I feel strange sleeping on a bed...so now I have a couch to sleep on if I want, and if I want a bed, just unfold it...good stuff.
We're putting new carpet down sometime by the end of the week (supposedly, we've been saying that for over a year now, but my mom is going crazy and is determined...) Anyways...yea- so after that we're FINALLY getting new living room furniture after like...9 years...crazy stuff...and along with that, slightly last minute, we've decided to redo my room. I'm gonna paint it...which could turn out to be the biggest pain EVER with taking ALL of that stuff down...*thinks about the picture wall* yeeaa that won't be fun. But yes...it shall be nice to have a room I can actually use instead of basically having a storage barn in the house that is overflowing with stuff...I finally cleared most of my stuff out since we're messing with the bed, but man it was horrible. It wasn't messy- but I just don't have that much storage in there...so everything was in piles. It was pretty crazy.
I got a giant 32 gallon box hoping to just throw all the NB stuff in there...tell me why it's full and I haven't even really touched all the crap I have lol. That's bad...I was able to get in that box and my dad closed me in...but my Newsboys stuff won't fit in there *rolls eyes* That box is so bulky that I don't even know what I'm gonna do with it after the house is "redone" lol...I don't want it in the shed because it would all start to smell funky, but yea lol.
Found a bunch of stuff I had completely forgotten about, and couldn't help but laugh at a few things. Remembering how excited I was when I got something, remembering waiting ALL day through school so on the way home I could go to the LOCB and pick up my pre-order....remembering the time I went to the LOCB before I went to school to pick up Unshakeable (which of course made me super late since it doesn't open until 10 lol)
They were good times, but they were LAME times! It's so cool seeing how people who were like that too are now...we've all kind of grown up and gotten lives.
You know- when BIO was 'announced' I was flipping...but now...I'm not. I may be flipping inside, and I just don't know it...but I'm not really flipping in a way I can tell. Maybe I'm sad. Who knows. My mind is odd and while *I* understand it, I don't. *rolls eyes* like anyone understood that lol. I'm really happy for him, and very interested for new lyrics and am ready to dive in to those, but I'm not excited in the sense I thought I would be. Maybe it's just because I've grown up and have other things to think about...maybe it's because he's not who/what I thought he was (I mean that in a good way) It's a good thing, but it's weird not seeing him as "omg big singer guy! I want an autograph!", but eventually we all grow up and realize our rock stars aren't really rock stars and our hero's aren't hero's...just people. And as great as that is, it's slightly disappointing. It's strange waking up one day and realizing there is no Santa, no Easter Bunny, no Superman or REAL rockstars...there's nothing.
I guess it's good I've got the greatest hero of all in my corner...even if at times that's not exactly what I would want if I could choose. How sad is that? *sighs* at least I'm honest with myself I suppose...I could be trying to fool myself, which would do nothing but waste my time.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am |
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| I've still got my 'deep sleep headache' grrrr |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|09:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Phil- Move | ] |
...Kinda random- I love the word "chipper"...it's fun to say, fun to use, and fun to be.
Never go to Target if you don't want to see people you know.
I pull in to a spot, get out, and some guy pulled in like diagonally across from me. He got out and he looked kinda like Jessica and Mary's dad...but I knew it wasn't him. He stared at me for a bit, but I was clueless...so when we're walking inside, he passes us like, head on, and he says hi, and my mom says hi. I asked if that was her teacher for her class or something...she was like "No, that's Steve." and I was like "okay...who's Steve"...yeeeaaa it was the creepy head guy of that partial program from 2004...that creeped me out cause we ended up seeing him a few more times.
Then we were getting ready to go check out and I see this guy like halfway down the aisle from us that I'm 95% sure is who I think it is...so I'm like "Jay!!"...and yea...lol it was Jay. I think he was slightly shocked that I actually kinda yelled his name out like that lol. That was cool though cause I haven't seen Jay in a LONG time and I always liked him. It was great because he had his arms out like he was gonna hug me, and then kinda fumbled around and finally settled on the high five lol...I think memories of the time he picked me up came flooding back...I would have hugged him though lol.
THEN we finally go to check out, and we're standing in line, and I notice the girl checking people out on the lane to the left of us looked REALLY familiar, so I finally figure out that she was in my Geography class in 9th...and then as I turn my head back to look straight, I see our person and was like...I know I know her..so I see her name tag- it was Geanette Corbray (sp?) from Kingsway...she was in my Art class and I knew her in some other way at KCS...ah- that afterschool program that they had- she did that when I did it.
So yea...it was a STRANGE night at Target.
Last night rocked though. We went to my grandma's because we saw that my aunt Marcia and uncle Gary were up there, so I hadn't seen them since they got back from Gatlinburg with Jennifer and them, so we went up there. Their pics were AMAZING! Those guys are growing up so fast! But yea- my mom mentioned that we were probably gonna go to Noble Romans before Target, so my aunt called (this being when we were on Rockville) saying that she might come. So that was nice. Her and my mom are so much alike, and my mom and I are so much alike that it works out great. You can definitely tell that her and my mom are sisters...they don't look that much alike, but they have the same taste in like home decorations, clothes, food, everything!
I drove for the first time in like 3 months yesterday lol. Well actually- I drove the day before Shinefest, and then once after that...so BASICALLY the first time since July. That was pretty weird. Drove home as well, and I had only driven at night once...in the Jeep lol. So yea...I'm not a night driving fan...I have NO judgement of distance at night lol...creeped me out. Like, I'm perfectly fine until there's a stoplight, and I have to figure out WHERE to stop...yea...that's probably not a good thing!
So I shall go...I'm about to go to Subway and get some food. Yay for this new Chicken sandwhich that they have that looks AMAZING.
And yes- I woke up at 8:47am this morning :) Going to bed at 10, falling asleep at 12:30 made it all worth it! I'm in the best mood right now lol |
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